The Second Arrow

My son had a pet parakeet named Chuck.

Once Chuck started laying little Cadbury-looking eggs, we changed her name to Chuckette.

In my opinion, she deserved more care and attention than she was getting.

I made the decision to find her a more suitable home.

My oldest daughter helped me find the perfect person.

As we were preparing to take her to her new owner her cage door was left open.

Chuckette flew out of her cage and straight to the top of my neighbors very tall pine tree.

My heart sank.

In that moment I knew the odds of getting her back were very slim.

I tried every method I could think of.

I called animal control.

I set her cage out with food hoping to lure her back.

I even called my friend, who bravely climbed the tree to try to catch her.

None of it worked.

It hurt my heart to think of her out in this big world trying to survive.

I felt sad, concerned and responsible.

I cried.

That was my first arrow.

Then came my second arrow.

I began to blame and judge myself and my son.

I felt angry at my son for being in a bad mood and not being more careful.

I blamed myself for not paying better attention.

I went over and over in my mind what he and I could have done differently.

I ruminated over all the terrible things that could happen to her and told myself it was my fault.

I tried not to feel or show ALL of my true feelings.

I just wanted to hit the rewind button and have Chuckette back in her cage.

I didn't want to feel all of the uncomfortable feelings.

This only compounded and prolonged my first arrow experience.

When we just allow our first arrow experiences to flow through us fully they don't cause us additional pain and suffering.

First arrows are a normal part of life. 

Second arrows create extra unnecessary pain and suffering.

Second arrows are optional.

Where are you shooting second arrows in your life?

In the work I do with my clients, I teach them a tool called “The Model”, which helps them identify these second arrows, so they can stop unnecessary pain and suffering. The Model can also be used as a tool for self-compassion.

I’d love to show you how!