What Do You Get From Guilt?

A few years ago, a friend asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks: "What do you get from guilt?"

Strange question, right? I mean, who wants to feel guilty?

But I couldn't shake it. I went home and sat with it. And what I discovered surprised me.

Here's what I found: If I feel guilty, it means it's my fault. If it's my fault, it means I can fix it—I just need to try harder, work longer, do more. And if I can fix it, it means I have control.

Guilt was giving me the illusion of power.

Without guilt? I'd have to face the truth: some things aren't my fault. Some things I can't fix. Some things are completely out of my control. And that means I'd have to feel sadness. Hopelessness. Betrayal. Disappointment.

Guilt was actually protecting me from feeling those much more uncomfortable emotions.

So here's my question for you this week: What are you getting from your guilt?

Is it giving you a sense of control? Is it helping you avoid feeling something else—something deeper and more painful?

• Guilt is often an indulgent emotion. It feels productive (like we're taking responsibility), but it's actually keeping us stuck.
• Buffering emotions protect us from deeper discomfort. Guilt can be a buffer against sadness, powerlessness, grief, or disappointment.
• Awareness changes everything. Once I saw guilt for what it was, I could choose differently. I still catch myself reaching for guilt—but now I know what I'm really avoiding.
• Real growth happens when we feel the uncomfortable emotion beneath the buffer. When we stop hiding behind guilt and allow ourselves to feel sad, powerless, or disappointed, that's when healing begins.

This awareness changed my relationship with guilt in a big way. I still need to watch it—but now I know what I'm really doing when I reach for it.

What about you?

How to Recognize When You're Buffering With Guilt

Here are some signs I've learned to watch for in myself:

• Apologizing excessively for things that aren't really your fault or are beyond your control
• Ruminating on past decisions, replaying scenarios over and over
• Overworking or over-functioning to "make up" for perceived failures
• Feeling responsible for other people's emotions or outcomes
• Saying "I should have..." on repeat

When you notice these patterns, pause and ask yourself: What emotion am I avoiding by feeling guilty right now?