Avoider Saboteur

When I was about three years old I fell in a pool while attending my sisters’ swimming lessons.

I remember being told to stay away from the edge.

But my curiosity got the best of me.

As I went to look closer, I fell into the pool.

Panicked I opened my eyes under water and could see the vast expanse of the pool and noticed the little slots in the side of the wall to climb out,  but had no idea how to move in the water, let alone breathe.

It didn't take long before someone came and pulled me out, which felt like an eternity.

The conclusion I made at that time was that water is bad and scary, avoid it whenever possible!

After this experience I hated water on my face or in my ears.

Bath time and washing my hair felt like torture.

Sometimes I could convince my mom to leave so I could wash my own hair.

When she left I lay back in the water and wet the back of my hair, avoiding getting water on my ears and face;  then I'd lather up some shampoo and gently lean back to rinse it out.

I felt so proud I could be “safe” and wash my own hair.

When my mom came back in, she’d say, “You didn’t wash your hair.” I couldn’t figure out why she thought that when indeed I had.

When it came time for me to go to swimming lessons, I wasn’t ready to face this fear.

When I was in the pool I had a death grip on my teacher and I wasn’t about to let go.

They refunded my parent's money and that was the end of swimming lessons.

There are many more stories that cemented this pattern throughout my life. 

I call it the "save now, pay later program."

Meaning, what I avoid now, I have to deal with at some point. 

Take a few minutes and pull out a pen and paper and answer the following questions.

Is there something or someone I'm avoiding? 

• What is something or someone I am avoiding?
• Why am I choosing to avoid?
• What do I fear will happen?
• What will I have to do later to manage this avoidance?
• What are the feelings (associated with what I'm avoiding) that I don't want to feel?

Sit with your answers in a curious, non-judgmental way and notice your pattern. Oft times, the increased awareness will change things all on its own.

Look for more posts to come to learn more about the top ten saboteurs and how to recognize them. Awareness is the first key to change.

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